| I remember the day I got my braces taken off. I walked out of the dentist's office and the first thought that came to mind was, "Great! What can I fix next?" You see, I have this obsession with appearance. I've only lately begun to truly realize this. I've been thinking about that verse in James that says, "Faith without works is dead", and it struck me that maybe what it means is that my works reveal to me the level of my faith, sort of a "from the wellspring of the heart the mouth speaks" kind of a thing. You see, I'll spend an hour in the morning getting my physical self ready for the day, ready for all of you to see, trying to make it look nice, and not give a thought to how my heart looks in the eyes of God. As long as the outside is okay, I can let little things like, say, my character, slide a little. So, there's my actions showing my lack of faith, lack of passion for being Christlike. I can't even really express how deeply this sin runs in me. I'd rather have people look at my outside and say, "Hey! She's beautiful!" than have God look at my heart and say that I am. I'm pretty sure that my heart is actually the only thing that matter to Him, and I'm pretty sure that there are many places in my heart that He does not find beautiful. I'm also sure that He wants to beautify them. For far too long God has been asking me to take a step of faith but I've been too afraid. I've told my friends that I feel like I've been standing at the edge of a cliff for years and God was been saying, "If you want to know me more, you have to jump" and I've been saying, "Er...". But this last month, He's worked in me to actually take the leap. And...it's the most humbling experience I've ever encountered. God's asking me to let go of my idea of what being beautiful means and I'm finding that it is breaking me on every level possible. He's showing me my obsession with appearance, my practice of putting my focus on the temporal over the eternal- but I'm trusting and hoping that when I get to the other side of this (whenever that may be) I'll be more like His Son. I've been thinking about those verses where Paul talks about how God sent him a "thorn in the flesh" to keep him humble. Paul says that he pleaded with God three times to take the thorn away but God said, "My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in weakness." In the past month I've pleaded with God every day (more like several times every day...or hour) to just teach me whatever lessons He is trying to teach me and then remove the thorn, but His answer remains "no". I hope that I will learn to trust that His strength and glory and majesty will be displayed in me somehow, even though I feel like my weaknesses are now on display for everyone to see. I hope that I'll learn to say, "Your grace is sufficient!" and not feel the need to look beyond Him for approval and worth. I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting about this here. I was talking with a good friend about where I'm at the other night and she encouraged me to write this down (although I don't suppose she meant on Xanga!). Largely, I want to confess so that I can be healed. I wrote a little note to God when I was 15, and in the PS I scribbled, "Stop wearing masks!" I feel like now, 10 years later, God is allowing me to begin to actually do that. And its horribly painful and awkward, but I think it helps me understand what love looks like a little more, if that makes sense. |
